Photos From The Past

Usually I enjoy looking at pictures from the past. Photos from my wedding, when I was a child, first photos with our pups…but I found a few this week that almost made me cry. We had visited a farm animal sanctuary, and there are photos of me with all of the animals. You can see the joy in my face as I fed a baby cow, cuddled with goats and chased chickens, but my eyes look slightly vacant. I look incredibly gaunt, all bones and little flesh, clothes barely fitting my child-like body. I look seriously ill. It amazes me now that no one said anything, that I didn’t get more concerned stares. Most of all, I’m shocked that I couldn’t see the reality in the mirror.

I chose not to include the pictures here because they might be triggering and could also be seen as glorifying a starved body. But they’re out there.

They were another reminded of how far gone I was in my eating disorder.

I also found pictures of me with my family during a dinner out. It was the middle of the summer, and everyone looks glowing, tan, and healthy. I look pale, bony, and drawn. I can’t erase those pictures, and I don’t know if I want to-they are a reminder of how far I’ve come and where I never want to be again.

When I look in the mirror now, I see a little bit of a pot belly, the result of weight gain that has yet to distribute itself to other areas of my body. My favorite pair of jeans no longer fits, and I have countless shirts that are too tight or too revealing. The first time I put the jeans on, I had a minor freak out. Of course, I chose to wear them on a day that was already going to be stressful (we had a party to go to, and I’m still not exactly comfortable in large social situations). But once I figured out they weren’t going to button, I put on the jeans that I’d bought when I was in treatment, and they fit perfectly (for anyone reading that’s spent time at ERC, I bought them on one of our many Target sprees).

At each doctor’s visit, my weight creeps up a little more, proving that sticking to my meal plan has worked. But I’m not just sticking to my meal plan. I’m eating ‘outside the box’ now, baking more cookies, trying new (scary) recipes, and eating LOTS of peanut butter….things my body is craving.

I have yet to ask my team when ‘enough is enough’, and I’m not embarrassed to say that I’m afraid of the answer. I feel like I’ve gained enough, but I don’t know if that’s the truth.

It’s been over a year since my discharge from ERC and this August, it will be a year since I left CEDC. Each time I was in treatment, my weight gain freaked me out so much that I immediately went back to exercising daily. That hasn’t happened this time around. I’m learning to appreciate the softness of my body, my ability to lift heavy dogs at work, the curves I’ve started to gain back (please come back sooner!!). I look less like a sick child and more like a 28 year-old woman.

I don’t yet have the strength to throw out my sick clothes, though. It’s as a if a part of me believes I’ll need them again. But I know soon enough, I’ll be making the trip to Goodwill. Hopefully when I’m there, I can pick up some funky things that fit my new and changing body.

So take a good look at yourself in the mirror, and instead of pointing out the flaws, try and thank your body for all it can do and for where it can take you.

 

Learning Curve (and PANCAKES!)

This has been an incredibly challenging year. It was my first year of Vet Tech school, so I knew it would be difficult-but I underestimated how rigorous of a program this would be. I guess that’s a good thing, as I want to be as prepared as possible for when I got out into the ‘real world’ (which seems a hell of lot more appealing than 2 more years of school, but I guess patience is a virtue). I am so grateful I made this career change, though, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do this sooner. While it has certainly been a learning curve (I am way more of right brain person than a science/math person), I have grown a lot.

What’s changed? For one, I’m not nearly as hard on myself as I used to be. Yes, I still push myself to do the best I can, but I’m not devastated when I get a B. That might sound lame, but for me, that’s a big deal. I’d be ok with getting a C, but my school requires a B- to pass most Vet Tech classes. I’ve also become (a bit) more social. I find that I enjoy being around other people-and crave it- much more now that I feel better about myself and where I am in my life. I still love my alone time, but it feels so nice to open up a little.

I also started a new job as a grooming assistant. I was fortunate enough to never have to work during school-I know-but now I’m paying for school on my own, so I need to earn some money! I really enjoy getting to work with animals and get PAID for it, so this is perfect. Plus, I get to groom my pups for free. They hate it.

Besides school and work, I’ve made major progress in my recovery. I’m not longer exercising every day, which doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but it’s huge for me. I was actually given permission by my team to start going back to the gym a few days a week, but there are days when I just don’t feel like it. A year ago, I’d have forced myself anyways. Speaking of last year…it’s been just over 12 months since I left ERC. Looking back, I can see how my ‘stay’ at ERC altered my perspective on recovery. They made me believe it was possible-even if it’s ridiculously hard-and while I didn’t always believe it, I see it now. I’m having fun with food, taking afternoon naps, enjoying my walks with dogs for what they are instead of seeing them as just exercise, relaxing on the couch for hours with Mike to watch Breaking Bad (JESSE I LOVE YOU), and cooking exciting and scary foods.

What have we been eating? I’ll be posting more recipes as the summer goes on, but here are a few things we’ve made in the past couple of weeks (add to that that I’ve been eating peanut butte and almond butter out of the jar..love). There are also a bunch of recipes on my to-cook list, including vegan mac n’ cheese, coconut milk curry, peanut sauce with rice noodles and tofu.. the list goes on.

• Barbecue tempeh sandwiches
• Falafel (Mike made them..amazing) with homemade vegan yogurt/dill sauce
• Pasta with homemade sauce, pine nuts, chickpeas, and veggies
• Banana pancakes

I know that’s a short list, but bear with me, my mind is drained from finals. Anyway, about those pancakes: I used to LOVE pancakes as a kid..Bisquick was my best friend. My dad used to make piles of pancakes for me, and I’d pile on bananas and douse them with Mrs. Buttersworth ‘syrup’. Not exactly refined, but for me, that was the epitome of comfort food. I’ve been petrified of pancakes since I went to CEDC and had to shove them down when we went on our breakfast outings, but I decided to try making them the other week, and I fell back in love. My only complaint? That I didn’t make more.

Here is the recipe. Feel free to add any fruit you like as a topping (Mike added blueberries and banana) and use legit maple syrup. It makes all the difference.

Vegan Buttermilk Pancakes

 

Makes 6 4-inch pancakes. Double if you want more!

 

1 cup flour (whole wheat or all-purpose)

1 Tsp. sugar

1/4 Tsp. baking powder

1/4 Tsp. salt

1 Tbsp. ground flaxseed

1 Cup plus 1 Tbsp. unsweetened soy or almond milk.

1 Tsp. apple cider vinegar

1 Tbsp. coconut oil, melted

Bananas, blueberries, strawberries, or whatever fruit you’re craving

1. Make the flax egg but combining flax seed with 2.5 Tbsp. of water. Stir and let sit for about 5 minutes until thickened.

2. Combine all dry ingredients in a large bowl. Mix carefully.

3. In a separate bowl, combine apple cider vinegar, melted coconut oil, and almond or soy milk. Add the flax egg last.

4. Carefully add wet ingredients to dry ingredients by making a well in the dry bowl. Stir gently until there are only a few lumps left.

5. Add batter to a hot, oiled pan (use vegetable oil), and cook for about 2 minutes until large bubbles appear. Flip the pancakes and cook for another minute or two.

6. To keep the pancakes warm while you cook the whole batch, place them on a cooling rack in a 200 degree oven.

7. Top with sliced fruit and maple syrup and eat up!!!

(This is Mike’s..I like to cover my whole pancake with bananas..but feel free to do as you wish!)

Have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll be back soon!

What Mother’s Day Means to Me

Mother’s Day can be a lot of things to a lot of people. First and foremost, I see it as a celebration of my own mother. She has been there through thick and thin, guiding me and believing in me no matter how many times I stumble. She taught my sister and me to be kind, caring, inquisitive, and brave. My mom was the one who held onto hope when I was at my lowest points, and always stood by me regardless of how much I pushed her (and anyone who wanted to help me) away. I know she’s reading this-because she’s a great mom and reads everything I write (hi mom!!), and while she is not vegan or vegetarian (mom…), she listens to everything I have to say about animals and animal advocacy, and never neglects to tell me how proud of me she is.

So mom, happy Mother’s Day, and thank you for all you do and have done.

That being said..

Mother’s Day also reminds me that there are so many animals who have their children stolen from them so we can eat them, their secretions (yes, milk and cheese and eggs are all derived from animal secretions, as if that isn’t gross enough to make you stop eating them), or strip them of their skin and wool. I may only be a mother to two furry creatures with four legs, but I this process is so horrific, and I can’t understand how we can continue to support these actions.

Here are a few facts for you about the maternal instincts of animals and what happens to them (and their babies) so we can eat them or their secretions.

Cows: Cows are incredibly maternal animals, and when they give birth, it is love at first sight. Throughout their lives, they maintain a close social and parent/child bond, and when separated, experience extreme stress. Cows that are used for the dairy industry are forcibly impregnated to maintain milk production throughout the year. Upon giving birth, they immediately produce milk and nutrient-dense colostrum to nurture their young. On factory farms or dairies, their infant is rarely allowed to stay with the mother or drink her milk. If they have a female calf, that calf will be taken away and as soon as she is of age, is impregnated so she can produce milk as well. If it is a boy, he is either killed or sold into the veal industry. The cycle repeats itself until the mother can no longer produce milk and is sent to slaughter.

Chickens: Hens are also very maternal, and begin to nurture their young from the moment they lay their eggs. They cluck softly to their young (and their babies chirp back!) and will turn the eggs multiple times to keep them warm. When their chicks hatch, the mother hens will use their wings to protect their chicks from predators, and will refuse to leave their nests even in the case of extreme threat. On almost all farms that are dedicated to egg production, chickens are kept in cages the size of a sheet of paper. They cannot turn around, stretch their wings, or nest. Once their eggs hatch, they are taken away immediately and are inspected for gender. If they give birth to a male, it will be thrown away or chopped into pieces to be used as feed for cows or pigs, animals kept in zoos, or other captive animals. Female chicks will be placed in cages and used for egg production. They are killed after about a year when egg production declines. ‘Broiler’ chickens do not even reach sexual maturity: they are slaughtered after a few short months of torture.

Pigs: Wild pigs will travel miles to search for the perfect birthing spot and build a large nest in which to birth their young. Their piglets, once born, are kept close by and are nurtured by the mother sow for several months. Pigs are incredibly bright, and studies show that they are as bright (or brighter) than three-year-old children, dogs and cats. On factory farms, pigs are kept in gestation crates and like cows, are forcibly impregnated. Their cages are too small for the pigs to even turn around, and they can develop severe infections, injure themselves extensively by attempting to escape the cage or move around. Right before they give birth, they are moved to farrowing crates which, like gestation crates, barely allow for any movement. They only real difference between gestation and farrowing crates is that their is a small concrete space in the cage so that they have ‘room’ to give birth. The mother sow cannot see her young (as she cannot turn around), but can suckle them for about three weeks until they are taken away to be raised as meat.

I know this an incredibly long post, but it’s important that we realize that the animals we turn into commodities are individual beings with natural instincts, maternal drives, and a desire to live and let their young thrive. If we took a good hard look at the results of meat and dairy consumption and the impact it has on every creature kept captive, I wonder if we’d still be as willing to enslave them and turn their children into feed, trash, or cogs in a machine.

That’s all for now, but if you want to know more about these animals or others, here are some resources:

PETA: Animal Moms
Dairy Cows Fact Sheet
Fact Sheet: Laying Hens
Poultry Farming
The Pig Industry

Why I Wear Purple

I’m wearing purple today in honor of Eating Disorders Awareness month, and it means a lot to me that there’s a growing community out there that wants to get the word out about this debilitating disease. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, eating disorders affects up to 24 million people in the United States, and only 35% of those suffering will ever get treatment. It has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness, and almost 50% people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression.

These statistics are jarring, and they are a call to action. We need more public awareness and more research into treatment methods and modalities. I have struggled with my eating disorder for more than half of my life, and have been in treatment multiple times, yet I still battle the behaviors and thoughts that come with this illness. The fact that 24 million people suffer from eating disorders just isn’t fair. They are such debilitating disorders, and we know so little about how to treat them. Even the best treatment centers can only do so much. When you reach the ‘outside world’, there are many challenges and obstacles to recovery, and I’m experiencing this first hand.

Recovery to me means a world free of obsessions, compulsions, anxieties and fears about food and exercise. It means a world where I am connected to others deeply and honestly, and where I can be a compassionate and caring human being. I care so much about so many things, but when I’m in my eating disorder, the things and people I care about take a back seat. Even my commitment to becoming a vet tech has been compromised by my eating disorder: When I’m anxious and worried about food and exercise, I can’t concentrate on my studies, which matter so much to me. I want to be able to pay full attention to my work and what I’m learning so I can be the best vet tech possible. And I look forward to the day when I’m not on exercise restriction and can take my dogs on long, rambling walks with my husband. I also want to be able to spend time with my family without worrying about when and what I’m going to eat. I don’t want to obsess about sitting still (yes, that’s an irrational fear of mine) or be overcome with anxiety when faced with a fear food. I want to feel and give love fully and truly, which is something I can’t do when the eating disorder is still inside of me.

Eating disorders rob you of the freedom to live and love. They rob you of your health and happiness. They are not about vanity, they are not about wanting to look like celebrities. They are not caused by the media (although the media doesn’t help). They are not temporary diets-even if they start as diets, they can quickly consume you and become full-blown disorders. They are not glamorous. They are not easily cured by ‘just eating something’ or ‘just skipping the gym’. They are vicious, evil disorders, and they kill too many people.

I don’t want to suffer anymore. I’ve said it multiple times, and I’ll say it again: I’m a fighter. I want to win this battle, and I have the love and support I need to see this through. I want my life back, and I want to feel like ‘me’ again. I look forward to the day when I can say I’m truly in recovery. I have a ways to go before I get there, but I’m taking small steps. I’m getting closer every day, and even though I have slips and stumbles, I get back up. I want the same thing for everyone else out there struggling with an eating disorder-a life where recovery is possible, even if there are obstacles and set backs. So I’m wearing purple for me, but also for all of those people out there battling their own demons. I have hope, and I want to spread that hope.

 

Feeling the Love (and the Chocolate)

I know I should hate Valentine’s Day-it is a Hallmark holiday, after all-but it’s actually one of the few holidays I celebrate. I love my husband every single day of the year, but I do enjoy taking one special day to celebrate our bond and the compassion we feel towards each other. It’s also a motivator for me to find new ways to show Mike that I love him and appreciate him every day, and part of that involves taking a deep look at what I’ve been doing on my part and on what I need to change.

Lately, I’ve been a little emotionally distant. I don’t know if it’s the winter, or my depression setting back in, but I’ve felt a little aloof and cold. I’ve had some ups and downs with the eating disorder, and while I’m back on track now, it takes a lot of time and energy out of my day (and Mike’s) to keep up with recovery. A friend of mine has been incredibly helpful in giving me reality checks about what I should and should not be focusing on, and she’s made a great point: I’m almost putting too much focus on recovery. It’s become a job instead of a process. I fret about over every walk taken with the dogs, every yoga video I do, every missed snack..you name it. And it becomes the daily topic of conversation. That’s not what a normal relationship should be like. Mike is incredibly supportive and helpful and hopeful, but it’s not his place to continuously remind me of what I need to do or what I don’t need to be doing. I should be able to put recovery and my eating disorder aside and focus on my marriage and the joys of being married to such an incredible man.

Today I choose to focus on what I love about my life right now, including my amazing husband.  I love that I have a partner that supports me in all that I do and is there for me on good days and bad.I love that I’m following my dreams, even if school is arduous and anxiety producing. I love my family, and all of the relationships I have with my parents, my grandmother, my sisters and their families. I love my dogs, and the joy they bring to my life. I love being in a place where I can eat chocolate and enjoy it, and cook ‘scary’ meals and survive (and relish) them. I love that I’m surrounded by friends who care about me and whom I care deeply about. These things I love every day, but am especially grateful for today.

I’m trying my hardest to focus on the positives in life, and that can be difficult when things get rough. I get anxious about food and exercise on a daily basis, but I’m making progress, and those who love me are there for me (even my dogs). I worry about my success in school, and the temptation to throw in the towel is always there, but Mike and my family won’t let me give in. Somedays it’s hard just getting up, but I know I have people who care about me and who love me to guide me through the difficult days, and that keeps me going.

So for Valentine’s Day, I plan on cooking my amazing husband a delicious meal, followed by the premiere of House of Cards. The dogs will get just-made dog cookies shaped like hearts (natch), and will be given extra lovings-just because. A quiet night, but a romantic one for us. Tonight’s dinner? Vegan ravioli with homemade sauce, steamed green beans, fresh bread, and perhaps a glass of red wine. It will be simple, but perfect for us. And to follow that delicious dinner? Some tasty vegan chocolate.

Here are a SELECT few of my picks for some chocolate treats to round out your Valentine’s-whether you celebrate or not.

Chocolove Fair Trade Organic Dark Chocolate
Endangered Species Organic Dark Chocolate & Cherry
Taza Chocolate Chipotle Chili Disc

And just if you’re curious, the vegan ravioli I’m making isn’t homemade (sorry-the sauce is!), but it’s equally as tasty. You can find it here:

Soy Boy Original Ravioli

 

Letting Go

My grandfather died today. I knew it was coming, but it still struck me. Hard. He was such a big part of my life, and I looked up to him in so many ways. To say that I will miss him would be an understatement. My grandfather never failed to remind me of how proud he was of me, and of how important I was to him. He knew I had an eating disorder, and while he never explicitly commented on it, he was always there to support me and to show me love.

I have been fighting especially hard lately, and part of it is due to my grandfather. He wouldn’t want his granddaughter to live a life plagued by an eating disorder. He would want to see me happy, healthy, and caring for animals. He would want me to be free of this evil disease. He was a doctor, so he knew what the eating disorder was doing (and could do) to my body, and I’m not blind to what damage I’ve done either.

It’s an uphill climb every day, but I’m working my hardest. I don’t want to carry this eating disorder around with me any longer. I want to be healthy and happy, like my grandfather would have wanted and like my family and husband and friends want. I am digging down deep for the strength to fight back against the urges and the demands of the eating disorder, and I’m happy to say that lately, I’ve been on the winning end most of the time.

I feel like I’m finally shedding some of the eating disorder, even if the pieces I shed seem tiny to others. I’m doing things that make me uncomfortable, and I’m surviving. I’m proud of myself for that, and I know my grandfather would be, too.

I’m not saying that it’s been easy to transition from being ‘in’ my eating disorder to fighting like hell to get out of it. Not at all. But I have a loving, supportive husband, a wonderful family, and caring friends, and they’ve been there for me. I also pay people to listen to me, so there’s that. Mostly, though, I just want to live. Being trapped in an eating disorder isn’t living. I have a husband to love, animals I adore, people I care about, things I want to learn and places I want to go..

If my grandfather’s death has taught me anything, it’s that life is precious. It sounds corny, but it’s true. I don’t want to waste any more of my life with an eating disorder. I’m think I’m finally starting to let go.

 

It Begins Again

Yes, it’s that time again. School officially starts again tomorrow, and I’m trying to get myself psyched up for another semester of SUPER FUN CLASSES. Kidding. I do love learning, so I’m looking forward to getting back into the groove of things. My classes will be really challenging, but this break has not been as relaxing or refreshing as I wanted it to be. Without having something to focus on (say, school), I’ve been more focused on food and exercise. Not a good thing.

I was in a pretty bad spot for a while, to be honest. I was really struggling to gain my footing, and have been doing a lot of soul-searching. I’m back on the right path, but everyday is a reminder of how hard this battle is. I want it to get easier, and I hope it does with time, but I know I need to work hard to get there.

School will be a good thing for me. It will challenge me, keep my focused on my goals, and provide me with the stimulation I’ve been sorely lacking this past month (there’s only so much time I can spend on the computer or watching re-runs of Parks and Recreation). Actually, I take that back-I could watch Parks and Rec all day-if the eating disorder didn’t count that as being lazy. Yes, the eating disorder counts watching TV as being lazy. Ergo, I don’t watch much TV until nighttime when the eating disorder has quieted down. Rationally, I know watching TV or movies or sitting and reading don’t mean I’m lazy, but the eating disorder tells me I should constantly be doing something other than sitting and relaxing, so this hasn’t exactly been a restful break. I have done a ton of journaling, a lot of mindless internet browsing, some yoga, and a lot of cooking and baking that I won’t have time for once school starts…tomorrow.

I am working really hard to get myself to a better place mentally and physically, and I know school will help with that. Less time to ruminate over my meal plan, how much exercise I’m getting (or am allowed to get, I should say), less time to sit at home and focus on how anxious I am re: the eating disorder. The eating disorder is far less powerful when it has to take a backseat, and it certainly will take the backseat to school. It did last semester, and I’m fairly confident it will this semester.

I have a huge motivator other than school, too. My little sister is getting married (!!!) in February, and I am her matron of honor. I want to make her and my family proud, not worried for my health.

I don’t want to keep carrying this eating disorder around with me. I’m so sick of it, and so fed up with its demands. They are always unfair, always unhealthy, and always put me and those I love in precarious positions. I have been fighting the good fight over here all month since I’ve been off, but it’s time to kick it up a notch.

The demands of school won’t last forever, though. I am working on finding ways to relax, finding ways to quiet the ed voices, and finding outlets for my anxiety that are healthy instead of destructive. This is where it gets hard. I’ve had this eating disorder for too long, and while I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again- I do NOT want to be a poster child for anorexia. I want to be a recovery story. And I will be, as long as I remind myself that I deserve to be kind to my body, deserve to feed and nurture my body, and deserve to fuel my body in a healthful way.

I am anxious about starting school again- who wouldn’t be? But I know it I’ll get used to the routine, and I’ll get used to being bombarded by work and projects and labs and exams… all of that good stuff that comes with being a student. That’s a part of me that the eating disorder can’t take away. It can’t take away how strong I am, or how determined I am to win this battle. It can’t take away how much I love being with animals, and how excited I am that I am in a program where I get to do exactly that. There’s a lot it can’t take away, and I’m proud of that.

So if you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because I’m immersed in Microbiology or Algebra (suck it) or something equally as fun-filled.

That’s all I have for you today. Maybe next time I’ll write a post about the joys of college math! NOT.

 

Winter Vegan Essentials

Along with freezing cold temperatures, winter brings dry air, wind, snow and outdoor activities. There are some essential vegan products I depend on to get me through these chilly months. I wanted to share them with you and suggest some products and ideas that might help you endure the joys of winter (I’m being sarcastic. I hate winter with a raging passion).

Hair

I recommend Giovanni’s products as they have no wax, no parabens, aren’t tested on animals, and leave your hair moisturized and silky smooth. For shampoo, I use their Smooth as Silk Deep Moisture formula. For conditioner, I use their Tea Tree Triple Treat Invigorating product.

Skin and Face

My skin is zapped of all moisture during the winter, so I depend on a few products to keep my skin smooth and silky. For body, I use Whole Foods’ 365 Everyday Maximum Moisture lotion. I slather it on my arms, legs, feet..everywhere. For my face, I use Earth Science Naturals Almond Aloe moisturizer with SPF 15. It’s always important to wear SPF, and even if the sun isn’t always out in the winter, it’s still possible to damage your skin during this season, so protect it!

 

Makeup

I don’t wear much makeup, but when I do, I shop Gabriel Cosmetics. In the winter, I get especially pale. While this isn’t necessarily a ‘problem’ that needs to be solved, I don’t like to look like a walking corpse. I use Gabriel Cosmetics blush in Apricot to add a little color to my face.

Keeping Warm

 

If you live where I do, winter is COLD. You need a good winter coat to live here. And boots, gloves, and a hat, and a scarf, and sometimes, a face mask. It gets that bad. It can be tricky to find cruelty-free products, so I’ve picked out a few things I think you might like.

For coats, avoid down. The feathers come from geese that are essentially tortured and plucked to death. Choose primaloft or some other synthetic form of down, or go for another type of winter coat instead. One good option is Patagonia’s Women’s Better Sweater Coat  or anything from the way-out-of-my-price range Vaute Couture.

Patagonia’s coat:

Toasty drinks and food:

 

To keep your belly warm, make sure to drink plenty of hot beverages. I’m a coffee girl in the morning, but throughout the day, I drink plenty of tea. My winter favorites include Yogi’s Echinacea Immune Support, Good Earth’s Organic Original Sweet and Spicy, and Numi’s Chocolate pu-erh.

For winter food, I make a lot of hearty whole grains like barley, bulgur, cook a lot of soups, and eat a lot of winter greens like kale and cabbage. I’ve included a soup recipe here that I absolutely adore. It’s a chickpea and cabbage soup adapted from the Post Punk Kitchen’s recipe. I also eat a lot of seasonal fruits like pears and apples, and when I’m missing summer fruit, I buy it frozen and add it to cereal or oatmeal.

Anyway, here’s the recipe, and I hope this guide gave you some ideas for your vegan winter survival kit.

Chickpea Cabbage Soup (adapted from the PPK.com)

2 Tbsp. olive oil
1 medium onion, sliced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 Tsp. dried thyme
1 Tsp. dried sage
1 Tsp. dried parsley
1 Tsp. dried dill
1/2 cup brown basmati rice
1/2 lb carrots cut thinly
1 lb savoy cabbage or regular green cabbage (about 1/4 of a large head), sliced thinly
6 cups broth (homemade is best, but if you use store bought, make sure it is low sodium)
3 cups chickpeas, homemade or canned. If canned, drain and rinse.
salt and pepper

1. Warm a stockpot over medium heat. Add olive oil. Once oil is hot, add onions and garlic. Stir for about 5 minutes or until translucent. Add the herbs and about 1 Tbsp. of salt.
2. Add rice, cabbage and carrots and then pour in the broth. Cover and bring to a boil. Once it has boiled, bring it down to a simmer and let cook for another 20 minutes or until rice is fully cooked.
3. Stir in a little bit more salt and pepper, and serve with crusty bread.

Enjoy and stay warm!

 

Avoiding The ‘R’ Word

So here we are. We’ve made it to the end of 2013, and many of you have likely made some sort of New Year’s resolution. I have a few things I’d like to change in 2014, but I wouldn’t call them resolutions. As I posted last year in my New Year’s Aspirations piece, I like to have hopes for the New Year, not set-in-stone demands for how I need to improve or better myself.

It can be especially hard to avoid messages about resolutions, especially those that pertain to weight and body image. Gyms start reducing membership rates, magazines put out pieces on how to lose holiday weight, people begin diets and exercise plans. All things that can be healthy and good for people who do not have eating disorders or disordered relationships with exercise.

For those of us who do struggle with eating disorders and exercise addiction, it can be hard to filter out those messages. It is important to keep in mind that just because it is New Year’s does not mean you instantly need to lose weight or start a diet or a new workout plan. You can make New Year’s a healthier year in other ways, like by giving yourself time to read or relax or start a new hobby. You can avoid messages about food and exercise resolutions by staying away from magazines like Health, Self, and Shape. If you subscribe to those magazines, cancel them. They will only feed the addiction, and you’ll save yourself some money on the subscription. Use it to spend on something that will make you feel good, like a new journal or a pedicure or an album you’ve been dying to buy.

Another tip? Filter your Facebook and Instagram feeds. If you have friends that constantly post their RunKeeper times or photos of themselves in their barefoot shoes or with their jogging stroller, just unsubscribe from their updates or choose not to follow them. It’s easy enough to do, and well worth it. It has helped me stay sane when I feel like I’m the only person not exercising or not doing something active, even though I know not exercising is actually the healthy choice for me right now.

Don’t forget to remind yourself that you don’t need to make a resolution to alter your body shape or weight, unless you are doing so in a positive way such as taking steps towards recovery.

See a commercial about the Special K diet? Skip it. Same with any diet commercial, or in my house, any commercial with Kelly Ripa (she should be a spokeswoman for eating disorders, but that’s my own opinion). See an article about standing desks or treadmill desks as the new trend? Don’t read it. It’s easy for these tips and articles to warp into something the eating disorder or exercise addiction can use against you, so if you can’t avoid them, try not to read them or focus on them.

It’s your New Year, and you deserve health and happiness. That doesn’t necessarily mean making resolutions, and that’s ok. Just keep the focus on yourself and what you need to do to stay on the right path. If that means avoiding all of the ruckus that comes with resolutions, don’t feel bad about it. I’ll be doing my best to avoid these messages in the hopes that it will make life a little easier for me. Maybe it will make life easier for you, too, even if you don’t struggle with eating or exercise issues.

Anyway, Happy New Year to you all. Best wishes for a wonderful 2014.

Me and My American Spirits

Many of you probably have no idea that I smoke cigarettes. It’s a habit I’m not pleased to have, and one that I ‘caught’ while in treatment. Now that I’m out of treatment and in the real world, I’m still smoking. Still slowly killing myself. I see how strange it is that I espouse a healthy vegan lifestyle yet I smoke cigarettes. I tell myself that I’m AT LEAST smoking American Spirits so I’m not inhaling as many chemicals (ha), but in truth, I know what I’m doing is hurting me in the long run. And in the short run. Yet I still panic when there’s only one cigarette left in my pack. Alas, the true addictive power of cigarettes.

I guess you could say I have an addictive personality type. Maybe it goes with the eating disorder. I don’t know. I am addicted to exercise, to food (or restricting food, for that matter), and now to cigarettes. I’m writing about this because I know there are people out there that can relate to what I’m going through, and I want to hear from you.

I want to quit, but at the same time, I don’t. Smoking provides so much comfort and stress relief when I’m feeling anxious about food or exercise. It’s something to put in my mouth instead of food (just being honest). It gives me an out when I’m in social situations and need a break. It staves off boredom when I have an extra 15 minutes to kill with nothing else to do. And of course, the nicotine addiction. Let’s not forget that one.

“But the perks of not smoking are so much greater!” I try to tell myself. The health benefits are for sure undeniable. I’m killing my lungs, and putting myself at great risk for cancer and other health problems. Cigarettes are also expensive, and I’m not exactly rolling around in cash right now. It’s also healthy from an eating disorder stand point. Giving up the crutch of the cigarettes would mean I’m in a better place recovery wise. I don’t know if I’m there yet, but I’m working on it.

I want to quit, but I don’t know if I’m ready. I have the patch sitting in a drawer, I have Nicorette gum at my desk, but still..the cigarettes taunt me. I am now trying to cut back at least. I have my father, one of the strongest people I know, to use as an example of how to quit, too. He quit smoking after 40 years. I’ve only been smoking for a year, so I know I can do this. But my therapist and even my doctor say not to push it right now. To focus on recovery instead. I don’t know how I feel about this. I think quitting smoking will make recovery harder, but I also don’t want to rely on cigarettes my entire life.

Have any of you quit? If so, how did you do it, and how long did it take? I wish it were easier-in fact, I wish I never started, but here we are. Me and my American Spirits.